Behind my smiling and happy faces, lies a very deep shit of sadness.
Reblogged
I don't mind being called desperate and
embarrassing and pathetic, the ex who couldn't move on, the ex who continued
hoping. I was once yours and there have never been any secrets kept between us.
You knew very well how not so good I am with keeping to myself whatever I feel.
Every single day since day one when we ended
our love affair, I've been battling the familiar emptiness that I haven't felt
for quite a long time. I was so used to having you around that even when we are
not physically together, I am at peace knowing that you're just at the other
end, waiting to be needed.
Do you know it breaks my heart seeing you
doing just fine while I bled and hurt inside? To realize that I'm the only one
suffering and being haunted by memories and being lulled by tears to sleep at
night. You probably don't even know how pathetic I think of myself every time I
make and then break my own rules and self-imposed limitations. I try not to
talk to you, not to smile at you, not to even look at you and I always end up
swallowing my own crap.
Everybody's telling me to just move on and
forget about you. That's like a stab in the flesh, through and through. They
don't understand how hard it is for me. That moving on are not just words but
actions needing a lot of energy to expend on.
Yes, it's almost been a year and look, here
I am, still wallowing on misery. They say a person's just supposed to feel pain
for 5 minutes. At the rate of how I'm doing, the pain's too tremendous that I
couldn't just get over it. I just can't.
I don't know if I miss you or I love or I
need you. Cos even if I figure that one out I'd be in deep shit anyway. So I
think it's better that I think of you this way so things can get back to the
way they were when you weren't part of the big picture.
P/s: The best acting is when you
successfully lie to everyone that you're happy. That is what I am doing right
now and I think I have done it successfully. I should get an award for best
actress.. heuheu..
